from now on my penis is your penis
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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