so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
