In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
