I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
