my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
