I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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