Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
