The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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