Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
