his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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