ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My penis needs a shock collar
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
