The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
