i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
