No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
