2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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