so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize