I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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