I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
