I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
tell your sister to shave her snatch
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
