mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My pussy is not your playground.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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