drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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