In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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