if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
