so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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