mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
