Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
