Small penises have feelings too.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
