fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
