just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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