coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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