Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize