our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
