You can't special order awesome
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
