Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
