I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
