Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
