I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
