i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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