Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
