ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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