im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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