Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
