i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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