I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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