my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
