My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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