Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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