i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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