No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
