I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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