Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
