dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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