what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
