I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
