So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
