We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
