When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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