theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize