I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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