Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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