Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
