Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
