I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
