she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
